12-Step Saved My Life

I was introduced to nos after a rave during the last week of December 2024, with a small tank my friend purchased from the liquor store. I found out that the 20lb CO2 tank I used for carbonating water could also be used to hold nos, so I got it filled up for a New Year's rave, promising myself I wouldn't get it filled again and would take a 6 month break minimum. Between January and June, I'm not sure I was able to get a full week clean. By the end, 20-40lbs per week was pretty standard. The whole time, every single tank was supposed to be "the last one". I'd wake up after phishing out with a balloon still in my mouth. My room had piles and piles of spent bags.

I didn't seem to have any of the nervous system symptoms like neuropathy, but I did end up with pretty intense psychosis by mid-May. I had a job that required almost no contact with management or customers, and all my money was going to the addiction.

Upon realizing the social impact this was having, and realizing I was flatly unable to stop on my own power, I returned to 12-step meetings. It absolutely saved my life.

Now I have 5.5 months, and am mostly back to my old self. In addition to quitting nos, I stopped using alcohol and weed, as I know that for myself, one leads to another leads to another.

I'm grateful that spaces like this exist, and look forward to catching a meeting.

-by Ann

Trading One Addiction for Another

Hi I'm Brian, I lived in Oregon for 2 years. Fell in love, found a great job, had a lovely studio, joined a great band. Struggled with my drinking and began acting out and being generally shitty. Got a DUI, so lost my job. Couldn't smoke weed anymore. My drinking worsened and began acting out. Got sober and have been doing really well honestly; my friends and family now trust that I'm not gonna go out and destroy everything on a drunken bender. And on nitrous I have no concerns about that at all but I know that it's gonna fuck with my nerves and now the psychosis is back and it's really scaring me. I did a tank yesterday and sobbed hysterically afterwards. The same happened today.

After a bad drinking binge in Oregon that got the cops called, I moved back with my mom in CA. Since then I've been living under the shadow of the DUI, away from my partner and working a job I absolutely deplore. I haven't been seeing a therapist like I usually would be as I don't have insurance with this job as it's under the table to keep my public defender. I grew depressed, but I know drinking will just send me down to absolutely destroying my life again. Weed has always been a good in my life, has always worked great for my mood issues and general depression and I have never had an issue with it, but with the court case and the inevitable UAs and assessments and probation, I haven't been able to use it. Enter nitrous oxide.

Just wanted to share. I just feel like I haven't been able to share my full story. I feel so much guilt and shame from my behavior with alcohol and the pain I caused others, especially those I love. I've been able to hide my nitrous usage with the guise of this awful job but it's starting to not feel good and it sucks that my family has me here because they wanted to help me with my drinking and here I am struggling with something else.

-by Brian

From Wheelchair to Walking Again

Hey fellow survivors. I tried N2O for the 1st time this year in January. I fell in love with the feeling. I never coped with my mother's death correctly. September 10th will be her 1 year after passing from type 4 glioblastoma "brain cancer". I was her caregiver with some help from my brothers occasionally, but they couldn't watch her rotting away from a wonderful mother and person. I couldn't blame them it was hard. I found comfort in huffing Nitrous tank after tank, until I started losing all feeling and mobility. I went from a cane, to walker, to wheelchair in a week, and yet I didn't want to stop.

I passed out with a frosted over tank in-between my legs and woke up with 3rd degree burns. You'd think I'd stop there. Nope I kept going. My oldest brother had to move in to take care of me and it was a scary feeling not being able to get to the toilet never thinking I'd walk again.

I finally had to tell my Dr who is an addiction specialist, Dr. Harold Pierre out of Tulsa, Oklahoma. It haunted him to see me in this condition as I saw him on a Friday, and by Monday he was calling me with a blog he wrote. I learned a lot from it and I will link it if possible. He got me on B12 injections and folic acid and I thank God I'm able to walk with a cane again.

I wrecked 3 cars this year all on Nitrous, 1 being a Lamborghini I rented in California. I lost full custody of my son and did the stupidest thing ever and drove with him in the car. This was my low point. Thank God I was the only one that got hurt. I have a huge scar on my face from the airbags.

I'm currently on day 34 without N2O. I'm 37 years old and not just lucky to be alive. I'm blessed. I am super proud of my brother who was willing to take care of me through my hardest time of my life. I'm super blessed I didn't burn my manhood off. I had surgery and skin grafts on my burns and spent 3 weeks in the hospital. Literally had to cut skin down past the nerves and the fact I'm walking at all is crazy.

-by CG

Finding Your Own Reasons to Stop

When I was totally convinced that nitrous oxide was right for me, anyone who wanted to tell me differently automatically became an obstacle rather than an ally. Someone who wanted to stand in the way of me learning the "truth" and living my life on my own terms. This often served only as further motivation to use. I had decided to use this drug because of the perceived benefits I received from it, and anyone telling me not to was a direct imposition upon my own "free will". I could not and would not stop using, because I knew more about why I was using than anyone else possibly could, and so there was no argument that could be made to counter that. The only thing that actually made me stop using was running head first into a wall of consequences, and even that was barely enough. The decision had to be mine, not anyone else's.

This is akin to choosing life over death. It's not a decision anyone can make for you. Having someone try to guilt me or berate me into quitting nitrous is somewhat like having someone guilt or berate you into not being suicidal. At the end of the day, it's just not effective. You have to find your own reasons to live, your own values and goals. The people who don't, they probably don't survive. And people who have not yet found their own inner motivation to stop partaking in nitrous (and other harmful drugs and behaviors) just don't stop.

It's often not enough for someone to tell me how bad something is, I have to learn things the hard way to really believe them to my core. I don't know why I am like this. Maybe it is just innate curiosity. If someone tells me the best color is blue, and I would have a much better life if I say that blue is my favorite color, I cannot simply accept that at face value. I have to investigate. And so when people tell me my life would be better without any mind altering substances, I cannot just accept that either. I have been totally sober, and I have been unsober, and I have found neither to be objectively better in the end. There are pros and cons to each. People wouldn't use drugs if they didn't get anything out of it. That much is clear.

And I never could have gone so deep into that investigation without the internal strife of addiction. Every decision is now a choice between my goals and my desire to tune out. I still have a lot of work left to do to pick myself back up out of this hole I dug, but at least I want to now. And what helps me do that is helping other people dig out also. I can't solve anyone else's problems for them. Until someone is able to make their own decision to stop using nitrous, I know that they won't stop using nitrous. All I can really offer to anyone here is a perspective of someone who already made that decision. It was only after deciding to stop using nos that I started reclaiming my life. Nitrous is antithetical to normal human life.

And that is what I see as the value of this group. Not the abiding by some hard coded set of steps or traditions, but the sharing of first hand experience and empathetic understanding of how this drug affects our lives.

-by Gadget

Box After Box in My Car

Years ago, I suppose before they had all those bigger canisters they sell now. I used to crack the lil ones, box after box in my car. I'd become paranoid at some point or another. Moving my car from hiding spot to hiding spot. I'd build up a huge pile in my passenger floorboard. I'd be paranoid about that. Finding ways to cover it up. Then paranoid about how I'm gonna clean it up... paranoid about where I'm going to toss it all. Without getting dinged for dumping.

I've had police drive right up on me. While I'm ducking to a new spot. Sirens on and everything... just to pass me by... going somewhere else. I've had cops ride up on me while parked. Saying someone had complained about me. I'd be freaking out inside, but playing it cool. They'd then be looking all over my vehicle for the passenger. Someone said I was having sex with... who wasn't there. So they left. Not knowing there was 2-3k carts right there on the floorboard. With just a jacket on top.

One time I lived in an apt, with this gal. I had a binge and I dumped it all. In 3-4 dumpsters around the apts. Thinking stupidly, that if I split it up. Somehow that made it less noticeable.. My roommate came home from work. Asking me if I knew why there were N02 carts all over the complex. Apparently, they allow dumpster diving in that city. The people diving had tossed the carts everywhere. Maybe looking for some that were unbroken? Not sure but they were all over the parking lot on the ground.

I think, sometimes. The only thing that kept me alive. Was the headshop closing for the evening. I'd get on my phone looking for the next one open. I'd buy a store out occasionally. Get paranoid that they might call the cops on me. Buy another store out the next week.

I often wondered... if there were other people like me. Someone that walks in and buys four/six boxes. Just to be back in a couple hours to buy more.

Now I see these big ass tanks you can buy in the shop. I guess there are plenty of those people. It's good you guys have this place.

-by Ill

Health Scare Wake-Up Call

I'm glad there's some groups and information about Nitrous. If I really knew the potential risk I wouldn't have fucked with it all from the start. I'm currently dealing with a health scare related to nitrous oxide where I'm feeling tingling in my left hand up to my elbow, behind the left upper leg and the lower part of my spine. My last hit of nitrous was probably about 10-12 hours ago but I've low key been doing way too much way too often to the point where it's starting to scare me.

I have been a recreational drug user with many substances for many years but I've never really had problems with other substances. Other drugs I can take and have fun and enjoy and not crave it or want it for a couple months or so until the idea to do it again pops up. Nitrous is different for me for some reason. With the current health scare I got going on I know I'm disciplined enough to hold off on nitrous while I take B-12 supplements and regain feeling in my extremities. But I am worried once or if this passes I'll somehow trick myself into it "being fine" to pick up nitrous again and go off the deep end.

Taking a step back I've realized that the major reasoning for my nitrous abuse comes from the current stresses and problems in my life and how nitrous just completely removes me from the situation and disassociates me from my reality. I've noticed recently in the last few uses my thoughts are getting a lot more paranoid like, like people I know would never fuck me over are plotting to fuck me over and just creating weird scenarios in my head about shit that don't make any sense.

I do have past history with nitrous and computer duster but it was the same scenario as the other substances I randomly use, it be a random idea one night and wouldn't be done again for months. I don't know why nitrous has grabbed me by the nuts, I really realized I had a serious problem when I started buying the shit from multiple smoke shops within the same day/handful of hours.

-by Muzzy

Surviving Psychosis

I started using heavily about 3 years ago while going through an abusive relationship. I started out using to cope/numb but soon found myself in a position where I was unable to stop. I was living in Texas at the time where they have 24hr smoke shops. I was spending $800/day at times. Or whole paychecks in a weekend. I maxed out every credit card. Would go on several day binges. Was struggling very hard with my mental health. Didn't care if I lived or died. Nos didn't care either.

I suffered seizures, a heart attack, sepsis from an infected tank burn, was in the ICU intubated for a week after burning my throat. I have permanent nerve damage in my feet after healing from full body parasthesias. I would use to the point of shaking uncontrollably from hypoxia and pissing myself. After I lost everything, I was living out of my car which was later repoed. I was nearly strangled to death walking alone back from the shop at night. It got to the point that I couldn't hold down a job. I went from making $120k/yr to homeless so damn fast. No longer could I trust myself with money. The minute I got $$, I was off on the hunt.

Surviving Psychosis:

After about six months into heavy use, I was starting to experience psychological issues. I was going through a narcissistic abusive relationship at the time. As someone with BPD & Bipolar, who is already incredibly sensitive, I initially attributed my symptoms to what I was experiencing through a lens of existing mental illness and trauma response to the abuse. At that time I was unaware of the potential side effects of the large amounts of Nos I was using.

It started out with worsening mood swings, irritability, anxiety, and depression. I had a high-stress job and any little problem that I could otherwise handle sent me into a complete spiral. In the span of a year I had rage quit two jobs and was fired from another. I pushed all my friends and family away and would sit in my apartment in the dark and use and cry for days on end.

I had always struggled with suicidal ideation but it was very bad at this point. I also have a very strong internal dialogue naturally. I wanted to live just not the life that I was currently living. I was in a very dark place. The hallucinations that I had during use became the only things I would talk to. I began to have persecutory and paranoid delusions and believed that I was victim of a CIA mind control experiment using V2K technology and I was being spied on by the FBI. There were cartoon characters voices being beamed into my head that were conspiring against me to get me to hurt myself. That all my electronics were under surveillance and I would go to prison for the nos.

I've tried to take my own life a couple times since after much ideation. The anhedonia is brutal. This shitty drug has taken everything from me and then some. I've been in and out of rehab, hospitals, and sober living for the last year and a half. I relapsed a lot. Recovery is tough but it's not impossible. And each time we're starting over a little wiser and more capable than when we got started.

-by Rae

Near Death and Back to Rehab

This is going to take a while to write but at least I'm not using while I write it... I am an alcoholic, I had about 2.5 years clean. Then one day I was at the smoke shop and noticed that they were selling the small 8g chargers, which I remember from high school parties. So I thought, why not... it's not alcohol.

The 24 box quickly turned into a 100 box, and I realized that listening to music and watching hypnotic YouTube videos led to me hallucinating... I am somewhat of a psychonaut so I was even more intrigued. Then I went to another smoke shop and saw "the tank" and being economical decided that this would be the best route for me, I even went and bought a regulator for it.

After listening to headphones and not hearing the regulator screech out a tank of gas at a time while I was wasted... the regulator went to the trash and I just started using the nozzle to blow up balloons. Which lasted all of 2 days until I just started sucking the gas straight off the nozzle. I eventually found this group (No2n2o.org) and started attending regularly, even though I couldn't quite bring myself to give up the gas.

With the help of some members of this group I grew strong enough to realize I had a problem that I could not stop. I checked into rehab late March 2024. The place I went was great and so was the treatment, stayed for 42 days in a residential/detox and was convinced that I needed to put extra care into my addiction since it has progressed so far. I spent another 45 days in a PHP program and decided it was time to go home when my FMLA ran out...

Too early! I came home and relapsed within 10 days. And when I relapsed I hit it hard, at least 3 2000g tanks a day... Was sitting in my chair (usual using place) for hours and hours on end using.

Ended up that one day I woke up and my legs were sore for no evident reason, this turned out to be blood clots. Within a short time I woke up and could not breathe very well and my Mom insisted I go to the hospital... saddle pulmonary embolism which almost filled my lung veins with clots, and I had one rumbling around in my right ventricle. This is and was as near death as I would ever wish to be and I don't feel a thing... anhedonia, it kills your ability to have emotions. After getting the clots removed through emergency surgery I was in the cardiac ICU for 5 days and had to go on oxygen when I got home.

With all that, I spent a couple weeks with my folks and came home only to start using again, which is as freaking crazy as it sounds.

Multiple trips back to the ER with heart palpitations and on Oct 12, I woke up and the first thing I wanted to do was use... I did the opposite action and reached out for help... back to rehab.

-by Kyle

My best friend died huffing nitrous this weekend

My best friend since I was three years old. She's been in and out of rehabs for 12 years. She's completed every rehab program. She relapsed everytime. Her choice was whippets. She had a stroke 10 years ago from blood clots from them but survived. We always joked about how she was invincible to the disease. This last time, I got her into rehab for two years. I visited her (as I always have throughout her journey) and she had a relapse shortly after. She's been in rehab and sober living for two years. Her growth was incredible. It finally felt like my best friend pre addiction. Through these two years we talked non stop. 24/7. She got out of sober living Thursday to move to a new apartment. She adopted a kitten, sent me pics as we discussed naming him. That's the last I ever heard from her. Around Sunday I began to worry. Mentioned to me husband "that's weird Kelly hasn't opened anything for a few days, she's probably just busy with the move". I got the call from her mom yesterday at 7am. My world is absolutely shattered. 28 years of friendship. She was equivalent in my heart to my husband. I found out she actually relapsed in may and got fired from her job. I think this obviously lead to a spiral. My sweet Kelly spared me from this info. She knew I'd get her help, and she saved me from feeling guilt over this. If I knew she had relapsed and was fired, I would have felt guilty I didn't do more. Rest in the sweetest peace my Kelly. My best friend of 28 years. I will never be the same again.

Shame and Guilt will Kill You! – Don’t Let It!

A few months ago I was in the hospital for overusing gas, which I was using to replace alcohol that I quit almost 3 years ago. Even though I am in a sobriety program for alcohol, my mind got twisted up with this stuff since it was not alcohol (and my problem was the alcohol and not myself of course). The guilt and shame I was feeling seriously had me considering not telling anyone until it eventually led me to relapse into alcohol, and I KNOW that means my addiction is going to kill me if I don’t get the proper help I need. Through this addiction cycle I am finding that my drug of choice is now laughing gas. Finding this group has been a real change for the better. The members are experienced with the use and feelings associated with using gas. They told me the consequences I could be facing (nerve damage, spinal and brain injuries, not to mention the possibility of a pulmonary embolism), and were able to guide me through this tough time to deal with my shame and guilt to get myself into the hospital to get checked. Please understand that YOU are worth it! We all need each other’s support when dealing with the disease of addiction, definitely cannot do it alone.

Don’t feel ashamed to reach out for the help you need. Engaging with this group, sharing my story, and hearing stories of others in the same situations, I found, is helping me immensely. Do not believe the posts you see on other channels about this drug being safe; it’s far from it, but it is tempting to continue when you hear people talk about doing 20 lb tanks in one weekend and being OK. With continued use, most folks (addicts especially) are eventually going to have to give it up or die.

I am currently in treatment to get some distance and time between me and the availability to go pick up. As I near the end of my program, I am still finding myself having cravings and and very afraid of how I will handle those when I get back out into the real world. I am hoping that I can help facilitate more meetings throughout the week when I get out of treatment to afford more availability of a group of people who are kind and truly understand my addiction to this nasty substance. There are also very helpful tips shared between users and a phone list of people to call if I get a craving and don’t want to use. If you find that you cannot stop using N2O please reach out to this group or try to attend a meeting. The members definitely saved my life.

-by FriendlyFriend

Sober for around 100 days. Nitrous ruined my life

Nitrous took everything from me

I(34M) stopped drinking around 8 years ago although I continued to use adderal and weed on and off. Someone offered me Nitrous oxide at a wedding in October (I had done whippets a couple of times before so I didn’t think much of it).

Within 1 month I was fully junkie addicted and doing the stuff morning and night. I checked myself into rehab in November.

During my binge I:

• totalled my car
• lost business partner and all 7 of my employees resigned due to irrational behavior.
• spent thousands on gas
• suffered severe paranoia
• almost lost my beautiful fiance. We had been together for 10 years and got engaged in may last year. She is definitely still on the fence and the change in our financial circumstances have not helped
• am now listing my house for sale to make ends meet

Before the binge I had a thriving business and enjoyed some financial success.

Now I have nothing. I am down to my last $50k in savings and am struggling to pay bills.

It took at two months in rehab and sober living to recover physically. I had nerve damage similar to what many on this thread have described. This seemed to has mostly resolved itself with time and lots of B12. But there are still some lingering shocks and now recently tinnitus(mild). The recovery has not been linear.

The physical effects were unpleasant but the negative impact on my mental state is nearly unbearable. I spent at least two weeks suicidal. I am no longer able to envision a future and suffer from constant debilitating anxiety. I cannot focus for any amount of time. Almost like I have severe ADHD. Prior to this I was very intellectually and technically competent(graduated college, passed CPA exam) Now I struggle to write an email due to panic attacks. I am about four months sober and hope gets better but I am running out of time. I am starting to feel certain that I will never be the same.

The purpose of this post is to remind others and myself that this drug will take EVERYTHING from you. I have an addictive personality and did not research this drug sufficiently. I read no physical dependence and thought I was safe. By the time I found out more, it was too late. It had a hold of me.

-by Anonymous

Recovery Story – Drop foot

I abused nitrous for about 3 months with no symptoms except for a light tingle on my toes, completely stopped and about 1.5 weeks later I noticed neurological issues starting with tingling and (Jan 1st) next day my calf felt cramped making it hard to walk. I never stopped walking but suffered pretty seriously with loss of balance and muscle weakness worst of all is the drop foot which is slowly improving. I had a relapse in between about month and a half after cold turkeying but am pretty good now at keeping off.

I have been able to handle long walks with a foot brace now I got online but i want to recover fully.

I took sublingual liquid methyl b12 daily while using and after. Usage was pretty extreme used 2-3 2000g tanks a day sometimes more and would use the entire day till I would sleep. I have yet to go get b12 shots due to my phobia of needles or seen a doctor. I got b12 patches and have been supplementing a b complex as well. Ive struggled to keep myself at 80% and never once couldn’t walk just a lot of muscle pain.

Here are some other symptoms since Jan 1st plus a relapse which reset my recovery Feb 13 : -Lhermitte sign but has gone away almost -Breaking out skin eczema and acne but has lessened -Extreme pain in calves- still here but stretching reduced it dramatically now -My joints hurt and feel flimsy like if I stretch muscle the wrong way it can pull the muscle and lock it in place for a few seconds

• tingling and burning- completely gone now
• gained a lot of weight- could be attributed to lack of walking
• when I drink alcohol my nerves tingle uncomfortably
• eye twitching, now completely gone
• inability to fully extend or fully use one finger on left hand
• could not stand still without falling over from balance issues. Now I can be still for a few minutes
• cannot run or jump still
• Cannot walk up stairs without pushing up against guard rail, now I can walk up with hot coffee and a gallon water bottle but not easy
• bad decisions and delusional thoughts on nitrous, lost atleast 60k in confirmed deal and pissed clients. 100k plus in lost leads since I completely stopped working
• I cannot move my toes, only piggy toe now

I never experienced any brain symptoms like brain fog except for when I was on whippet like blacking out and doing stupid shit and not remembering anything similar to Xanax. Lost a lot of friends, had 3 encounters with the police; once when they literally snatched the 2000g tank out of my hand when I was doing it in my car. Imagine just hitting a whip and your car door opens and a cop grabs the tank. He put it in the trunk and I finished after 😂😂 surprised I didn’t go to jail but was handcuffed for about 40 mins in their cruiser. Two times they called an ambulance and other time they surprised me I got let off. Looks like I’m good with cops on whippets but I’m not testing my luck there anymore.

Supplement stack:

• Good multivitamin with omegas and folic acid
• nerve regen formula – mainly ALA
• b12 patch and sublingual drops
• b complex patch and drop
• bone supplements
• turmeric with pepper

Physical therapy (not doctor guided)

• Massage gun this is painful
• elliptical or a walk atleast 1 mile daily
• stretching
• drop foot exercises with bands
• standing for atleast an hour a day(this one is depressing doing it and the fact I can’t stand without losing balance)

Keep your chin up high because I know it will get better and I’m looking forward to a 100% recovery this was the worst thing I have ever dealt with.

-by Anonymous

Goodbye Nitrous: My Farewell to the Devil’s Gas

Before you read the heartfelt letter below, I want to share a little backstory for those in recovery who understand the tumultuous journey. This letter marks a turning point in my life. It’s not just words on a page but a commitment spoken out loud in-front of my peers in treatment. I am 26 days into a 30 day program and today I will be reading it to my entire class! A declaration of change and a message of hope. I’m sharing it here to inspire others who may be facing similar battles. If you’ve ever felt trapped by addiction’s tenacious grip, especially by something as deceptively playful as nitrous, know that you’re not alone. Recovery is possible, and it starts with the decision to say goodbye to what harms us. Here is my goodbye to nitrous, the substance I once saw as a refuge but now recognize as my captor. May it give you the strength to pen your own farewell to whatever holds you back from true freedom.

Dear Nitrous,

This is my farewell to you, a goodbye that’s long overdue. For four years, you’ve been a constant presence, an obsession that grew from a whisper to a shout. The last two years have been the hardest; you became a riddle I couldn’t solve, a loop I couldn’t break. I chased that short bliss you promised, only to be left with a shadow of myself.

But it’s time to say NO to N2O. To speak out loud what my heart has been whispering for too long: you are not my friend. You are the sly devil that promised joy yet delivered despair. In your grip, I became a version of myself I could hardly recognize…. every addict’s tale, every warning sign, every textbook symptom was embodied in me. You didn’t just take my time, my health, or my peace… you tried to snatch away parts of my soul.

Yet here I am, standing in front of 60 witnesses, claiming back my narrative. You may have thought you took a piece of my spirit, but what’s mine is mine to reclaim. Recovery has taught me the alchemy of transformation—how to turn pain into wisdom, loss into strength, and addiction into a story of survival.

So as I bid you goodbye, I do so with a heart that’s learning to beat for lifes simple, sober joys. I do so with a spirit that’s finding its way back to wholeness. You are no longer my devil, just a lesson. A tough, thought-provoking chapter in my book of life.

To laughter without gas, to tears that cleanse rather than corrode, to a soul that’s whole! I leave you, Nitrous, and I step into a future where the air I breathe is life itself.

Farewell, and let this be a final goodbye.

Sincerely, MyLifeIsWorthIt

I hope this resonates with some of you here on Reddit, whether you’re in R/Addiction, R/nitrousharmsupport, or just passing by. Remember, every step towards recovery is a victory.

Stay strong.

✌️

-by MyLifeIsWorthIt